LITTLE by little, i see each day how unimportant i am to you. What's also hurting is you don't seem to care about your child.

Little by little, i see each day that the only thing that making this work, is me.

Little by little, i come to realize, that the best thing sometimes is to give up.

Little by little, i am learning to accept the fact, that you just cannot trust the person who hurt you before.

little by little, i learn that even if you were hurt countless of times, he can still hurt you.

little by little, day by day, i realize that i just can't go on with you.

Goodbye....

forever.

no, maybe it can't be helped/prevented. that doesn't really make it right .. after all many of our instincts are morally unsound. the Bible clearly says it's a perversion although there is little detail on how it occurs and how one deals with it. indulgence is certainly out of the question but exorcism is over-the-top pointless. and there's no need for hue and cry over it being a perversion...it's not the only or the most common or endowed with the most potential for evil, i guess.

 

 

another learning curve? oh well, let's see where this ends.

i almost lost my password to the NUS account. hardly surprising as i keep on changing passwords every two or three weeks .. and lately they get less associative / meaningful (i.e. more random), just to discipline myself into not forgetting things :O. thank God I recalled it in the end.

not sure where i placed that bryson book...i could really use some entertaining light reading right now.

been thinking about homosexuality lately...not out of personal struggle or anguish =P. i'm quite sure i've  no homosexual tendencies .. i spent some time examining myself on that possibility when a female friend admitted to some attraction to me a number of years back (and accused me of feeling the same).

there's no reason to believe it's demon possession. there's a great deal of reason to believe it can't be explained away easily. maybe some people are born with it and really can't help it.

sa totoo lang di ko alam kung bakit ako nag susulat ito yung pakiramdam ko simula pa kahapon noong huli kung isinulat yung blog ko ( paalala sa mga nag mamahalan )

kagabi pag katapos kung mag sulat pag dating ko sa ospital tinawagan ko ang kaibigan kung pari para sabihin ang mga nangyari (  di pa niya alam ) sabi niya dapat daw ipag dasal ko silang dalawa at gawan nang resting place..

balak ko ngayon gumawa nang resting place nila naghahanp ako kung saan sememteryo pede...

 

eto

sa totoo lang ngayon ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko kagabi di ako nakatulog halos palagi kung na iisip yung mga nangyari dati sa oras na to kausap ko ang mahal ko kahit siya na sasaktan pag naaalala ang mga nangyari wala naman kaming magawa kasi di naman namin ginusto ang lahat. eto ay sa loobin ko kung gaano kahirap di mo manlamang mahawakan ang mahal mo hinihintay mo sila simula pa sa unang araw o buwan pero bigla nalang silang nawala diba mahirap minsan alam ninyo iniisip ko binubuhat ko sila iniisip ko na tumatawa at hinahawakan ko sila sila minsan na nanaginip na ako na tinuturo nila ako parang sinasabi sa akin na " ikaw ikaw ikaw ang tatay ko ikaw ang gumawa sa akin bakit di kami lumabas sa mundong ito" halos every night dati na papanaginipan ko yun  minsan isang bata minsan dalawa o kaya naman me mga bata sa nasusunog na bahay tapos nakatayo sila sa harap ko tapos pinipilit akong yakapin sila grabe minsan tumatayo ang balahibo ko pag naaalala ko yun..

ang hirap sana kung nasan man sila ngayon sana nakikita nila kami sana bumalik sila sana kung mag kakaanak pa kami sana sila ulit ang dumating di na ako mag papabaya mamahalin ko na sila sobra pa sa sarili ko

kapatawaran ng kaluluwa ko hinahanap ko

xoxo

patawad

tagakulay

Unsent letter part 2

 

 

I had my breakfast/lunch alone again. But this time, I had burger, fries, and a glass of regular coke on my table. Right beside my not-so-breakfast-like meal was a local newspaper that I asked from the cashier. The front page posted a picture of cebu’s governor hugging a middle-aged woman. The article was about squatters from Apas who were spared from eviction because the government was able to buy the land for them. It caught my attention because that’s around where I’m staying. It’s about time the government did something right for the people. I think is it benefits both party’s; the people gets a place to live, and the government gets good publicity. Fair and square. Everyone’s happy.

 

That does not include me though.

This second letter goes to the person I hate a lot at this very moment.

I can understand that you’re tired, but to tell me that I’m stupid just because you don’t want to help is not acceptable. I hate you.

You’re not even paying attention. And you act like you know everything. Well, technically, you know more than what I know, I just got hired, you’ve been a long time employee. I don’t understand why they put you in this position. You think your so smart?! I so hate you. You’re a pig with bad manners. A fat black pig.

 

Unsent letter

There I was at Jolibee having my lunch/breakfast alone. In the call center lingo, every 1 hour break whichever time it falls is called lunch break. I ordered the hotdog breakfast meal, not really my favorite, but I only had P50 in my pocket.

While I munch my way out of hunger, my mind is also busy thinking of things that I shouldn’t be thinking. Lately, I have been considering ending my relationship with my partner (because I don’t really know how to call him).

I’ve always believed in not giving up on someone. I’ve always believed in working things out, but I don’t feel like that’s going to be the case between us.

In my head, while putting ketchup on the eggs on my plate, I was rehearsing what I’m going say to him.

You know that I love you, and I don’t think that it’ll ever change. But I don’t think this relationship healthy for both of us, I’m not even sure if there’s even a relationship between us. You text or communicate only whenever you feel like communicating. I understand that I’m being clingy and as much as you don’t want me like that, I also don’t like myself acting like that.

And then I realized, maybe because I can’t trust you. Maybe you’ve injured my heart so many times that it’s afraid to trust you again. Don’t get me wrong, this is not about you not replying to my messages or you acting like you don’t care.

It because you want me to behave like someone I’m not and you don’t seem to be exerting any effort to make things work for us.

I am selfish. I want to be with someone thoughtful, someone sweet. I want to be with someone who cares with the things that I’m doing, who listens, who, even if he doesn’t like doing it, will still stay on the toughest times of my life.

And you refuse to be that. And I won’t insist in making you that.

eto ay minsahe ko kakabasa ko lang noong post nong isa sa atin dito grabe tinaman ako sa sobrang lakas nang tama naiyak ako eto ang mensahe ko sa lahat ng nag mamahal at magmamahal

eto sana sa lahat ng mga magiging tatay o nanay man kung hindi pa natin kayang bumuhay nang anak sana mag pigil tayo kasi alam ninyo kung hindi pa handa ang tawanan ninyo at ginawa ninyo yun dahil nag painit lang kayo kawawa naman yung bata pati kayo alam ko sinasabi ko kasi ako naramdaman ko na ito di lang isang beses mahirap pumasok sa mga bagay na ganyan kung di ka handa kaya dapat paghandaan kung gusto ninyo mag painit pede naman mag condom diba para walang mabuo ( alam ba ninyo araw araw me 8 hangga  15 bata ang namamatay dahil sa hindi pa handa ang magulang niya na magkaanak) sana bago tayo mag painit o mag makelove isipin natin ang kakalabasan alam ko sinasabi ko kasi ngayon iniisip ko na nga bagay na ginagawa ko para sa susunod di na ako mag kakamali kung mahal ko siya aayusin mo ako sa totoo lang eto di ko na ayos yung dati kaya ngayon pinipilit kong ayusin ang sarili ko para sa kanila asanan man sila alam ko ginagabayan nila ako mahal na mahal ko sila kahit di ko sila nakita kahit sabihin mo pa na dugo lang sila mahal ko sila sila ay aking dugo laman ng aking laman kaya mag isip ka masarap makipag talik pero pag katapos noon ang reponsibilidad na katumbas non ay mabigat

xoxo

sa totoo lang tama tama din ako sa sinabi ko hanggang sa mga oras na to umiiyak parin ako

zach and zoe jane asan man kayo palagi kayong asa panalangin ko mahal ko kayo at ang mama ninyo

pakatatag tayong lahat

 

 

 

salamat

 

 

 

mag isip

 

 

taga kulay

when one has no willingness to learn from others, he/she is doomed to be left behind and lose relevance in the end. it's sad, but i've always known he's that type of person. oh well, i haven't got a "saving people thing", and these days i do pick my battles. i suppose my duty stops at giving due warnings :O. and then let it go =).

good luck