i've been having this really bad depression state ever since the holidays started...i feel reluctant of doing anything at all...been unproductive...i am not sure what's the cause of it...it's either my fyp, sap, or maybe I listened to too much sappy love songs :s Only God can save me from this mind and emotional state...it's been quite long...

p.s. i hate the fact that girls' emotions can be affected much by the music they listen to. it's sometimes drivin me crazy :s

Jeremiah 17:9

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

Proverbs 4:23

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life."

Currently feeling: depressed

had it only been the TI series...it would have been much more comfortable...now got 3 more to go. research with so limited time is like a scene in an rpg game where your task is to escape or save a person from a dangerous place full of monsters and tricks in like...err...2 minutes. but this is a very easy and inaccurate analogy...I have figured out that I cannot get rid of my anxiety before it is all done, in march. final presentation will be in mid april...a long long way to go...

been in the lab for the longest record, 12 and 1/2 hours. did reaction, workup, and column chromatography for one particular high-maintenance compound in one day!

dizzy, my vision couldn't focus anymore, lost body balance, thoughts were mismatched with actions, couldn't remember certain things at all, and almost blackout. all are same symptoms are drunkenness's (not that I've totally experienced drunkenness, but people said those are the symptoms)

strange, during the "dizzy" time which started after I worked for around 11 and 1/2 hours, So Nyuh Shi Dae's songs, "Perfect for You" and "Merry Go Round" kept on playing inside my head @_@

HONEY, 난 사랑하고 있죠 욕심 많고 자존심 센 내가 변해가죠 (8)

The TI series can be told as 'it's a wrap'...though Balaji will make me re-do TI and TINA again to get some additional data and to learn the polymerization technique.

TI series coupled with EDOT coming soon...in February I hope.

This way I can finally relax my mind (oh my poor brain, go ahead and sleep and play for a while) during the weekend...will stay with mum somewhere in sg :D All thankfulness goes to our loving God....

SNSD - Perfect for You

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ssd5Bw93k0

SNSD - Merry Go Round

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7Ssd5Bw93k0

the 2nd singer from the right got 'fals' at the beginning, the two on the most left, Jessica and Taeyeon, have the best vocals.

i finally have to admit though that their competitor, Wonder Girls, is as a whole better dancers and vocalists as well, my fave song from them is "ee babo" (this fool). Here's their live medley as comparison:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0ppB-UxpHyk

Currently feeling: satisfied

isn't it hard to plan for resolutions when you're undergoing life changes? since this year i'll probably (Insya Allah) start working, I cannot predict anything just yet...I only know one thing for now, I don't want the current me to change to someone who chases after money and someone who forgets all her best friends behind after an episode of her life.

resolution #?: to wear gloves all the time during lab work -> already failed =P

resolution #??: not to watch too much MVs on Youtube -> also failed

resolution #??: to sleep by 11 every night and get up at 7 every morning unless having vacation or other reasons (sick or other emergencies that may come)...failed...restarting resolution from Jan 3rd onwards...

resolution #??: to set cellphone to silent mode ONLY during classes/exams/formal occasions. new resolution.

Currently feeling: tired

i've just realized that we, chemists, are trained to be super multitasking men/women. it's pretty cool. we are going to be super dads/moms.

Currently feeling: blah

난 빨리 죽어싶어...I really can't get out of this maze alive...this is a dead end. It seems that I'm starting to go insane that I hate everybody in the chem dept, from students, to postgrads and staff...

I hate it so much when I do good to people, I sacrifice some of my rights for them, and in return I got thrown garbage by those...I really hate it so much...I can't take it anymore, can't even stand up for myself. I'm so cursed.

I've learnt too much, too soon. I'm a newbie in research but I just have to handle so much data. This is a tough job. So much characterizations to do, so little time, so little knowledge and mastered lab techniques on my part, so little willingness to help me on my mentor's part, yet too much demand. This is one reason for going crazy.

"you probably spent hours on the phone, talkin bout nothin at all. it doesn't matter what's the conversation, just as long as he calls..." (8) As strange as it sounds, listening to 98 degrees's "Invisible Man" is one way to get recharged.

Currently feeling: calm

I believe that each person should encourage and help others to live God-centered lives as much as possible. No one should help other grow their self-centeredness.

Don't bother about the title, it's just a song I'm listening to...I got kpop literally stuck in my mind almost all the time.

You feel content without having a friend that will stick with you forever.

You have pretty high survival rate in this world. Having others around you will drag your survival rate down...Maybe having them around will make you more patient LOL just like my current job...if I can call it a job, it really tries my patience.

Doing your routine everyday is enough to make you happy.

You are pretty comfortable being alone for the whole day (if interactions with food sellers, bus drivers, boss etc, aren't counted)

You have been relating all love songs to your love and relation with God for quite sometime...

Sooner or later...you'd think you have the gift of singlehood.

However, thanks also to encouraging songs like Wheesung's song "Love is delicious", I'm also rethinking the other way around...Humans are really interesting beings.

Currently feeling: tired

it is when I finally found that I have changed my interest to something that I know more about...I no longer find my current knowledge useful to be applied to medicinal chem. I guess it's about time I focus on organic electronics research...with applications such as organic thin film solar cells, organic electronics for computing purpose, spintronics for data storage, and organic light emitting diodes.

Bottomline: I'm weak at hardcore organic chemistry.

Currently feeling: shocked

here's the list of them:

- My ex-classmate, Nga, met her in sbs busses, in holland v, in sci canteen, etc...

- The korean stall ahjumma and ahjusshi, they really know me very well, and always gives me lots of kimchi and chicken up until now =P gomapseumnida!

- The goodies store Moslem Indian uncle downstairs, who always sells me canned Nescafe original and monthly Seventeen magazines, thank you for your service, uncle!

- The claypot stall people at the Deck...I dunno though whether they'd recognize me or not...

- The charsiew and roasted chicken rice seller at the Frontier, they know me best cos I've been in sci for almost 4 years...(bocorlah rahasia truefriendtestku...huhuhu)

Currently feeling: aggravated

They are (sorted according to fluency and familiarity):

Surabayanese (some words are neither from Javanese nor Bahasa Indo), Bahasa Indo, and Javanese

English

Chinese

Korean

little bit of Japanese vocabs

very little Hakka (I know 1-10 in Hakka, I know how to say 'kampungan' and 'keterlaluan' in Hakka as well nyeh nyeh nyeh)

and other languages which I probably know only 1-3 words of them and I shouldn't mention here.

it's funny how my chinese name means "lovely manner" and I'm a person who's often ill-mannered...i'm glad that i have a chinese name though =D 

Currently feeling: smiley

My comments:

I disappointed my last sem's lecturer Dr. T. W. because I couldn't answer a question of which the answer was taught by him :s he looked dissapointed...I think he must be very familiar with me. Firstly I answered wrongly his q during my presentation in his module, second, I asked him the value of Boltzman constant cos I rlly forgot it during final exam...and actually he told me the value. He's a very nice person despite his soft voice which couldn't be heard from the back row of an LT :s

Dr. Lam and JJ Vittal were nice. JJ Vittal gave suggestions...while Dr. Lam asked an okay question, not too basic and not too complicated. The one I hate was YSQ, who asked so many questions circling around spectroscopy unclearly...kept on rephrasing his questions after I answered it. I am sure my answer was correct. Hmph. it's up to him la...I dun care anymore. Thank God I read about that on the internet just 1 hr before the presentation.

Thank God it's over...can read Seventeen peacefully and jog around the block...

but, there is still round 2 coming up...whatever it is, I just can't wish for anything better than a good ending of this whole FYP.

Currently feeling: relieved

my decision not to take level 4000 organic chem module was probably wrong...I hate "Advanced Analytical Techniques" and its lecturer...I hate it to death, and I am forced to drop Chinese 3 because of it...I hope I can still sit in Advanced organic synthesis and spectroscopy...

It seems that I'm further and further away from my aspiration of becoming a go-er...it seems that I'm directed to be a research chemist more and more everyday...chemist is the keyword. It's probably my destiny...at least for now.

Currently feeling: uncomfortable

have you ever had problems with sunshine international phone cards before? it's crazy, I have had whatever problems that you may have with telephonic communication. i wholeheartedly advise everyone not to buy this cards. i managed to call once, when suddenly my mom cannot hear my voice over the phone anymore. then i tried using the number on the card again and repeatedly the sunshine operator told me card is in use when it's not. really disgusting.

I think 2008 will be a difficult year for me, for my close social circles. I just hope to emerge from it as a champion...and all of us, as champions, in this game of life...where we are in the hands of our loving God.

Dedicated to all the brokenhearted people out there...and people who just don't give a %^&%^ about boy-girl love anymore. can count me in if ya want =P I'm in your circle for now.

Epik High - Love Love Love

It's 12 at night, drunk with a tired voice.
It's 2 in the morning, a cold hangup of the phone.

No one knows my heart. I can't stop love love love.
Even though it hurts, I keep repeating. I can't stop love love love.

Have you ever loved.
Like in the movies where they fall in love at first sigh.
Stayed up all night on the phone.
Bragged to the world.
Waited in the pouring rain.
Ran like crazy towards them.
Secretly watched them.
Gone crazy.
Pretended not to see them.

Of course you have, loved.
Gone broke because of anniverseries.
Said sorry even after you did well.
Stayed up all night writing a love letter.
Moved a date with your family.
Prayed to God for them not to hurt.
Avoided friends.
Watched their backs as they left.


(Can't stop love love oh love)
I loved them like crazy why.
I was really good to them, why.
I gave my all.
You've got me going crazy
(Can't stop love love oh love)
I loved them to death, why.
I gave them my heart and body.
I've lost lost everything, what do I do.

No one knows what I'm feeling.
I can't stop (don't stop) love love love
Even though it hurts, I keep repeating.
I can't stop (don't stop) love love love

Have you ever broken up.
Had your makeup erase in the rain.
Cut your long hair.
Picked up a cigarette even though you quit.
Avoided a place thinking that you would meet them.
Written a letter that you couldn't send.
Get drunk and dial their number (hello) had your lips freeze.

Of course you have, broken up.
Hated them as much as you loved them.
Torn a letter you couldn't read.
Erased a number you couldn't forget.
Celebrated an anniversary on your own.
Burnt all the pictures.
Thought that all the sad songs in this world was about you.

No one knows what I'm feeling.
I can't stop (don't stop) love love love
Even though it hurts, I keep repeating.
I can't stop (don't stop) love love love
(Can't stop love love oh love) (x2 i think)

I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU

Cry like a fool, get drunk again.
Grab your friends and curse that person.
Time passes, and you get drunk again.
Pick up the phone, say love.

No one knows what I'm feeling.
I can't stop (don't stop) love love love
Even though it hurts, I keep repeating.
I can't stop (don't stop) love love love

No one knows what I'm feeling. Actually you're the only one who doesn't know.
Even though it hurts, i keep repeating. Someday we'll meet again.

Currently feeling: uncomfortable

...to be too dizzy to be depressed, to be too dizzy to think anymore? My classmates are getting lazier in their projects in the new sem...some of them already got jobs (kiasu employer + kiasu employee candidate winning team), so they couldn't be bothered anymore by fyp.

why am i still bothering about my fyp despite the 'quite ok' progress? I feel like contributing to the society. I really hope for a photovoltaic device from my compound. I don't want to just make stuffs and throw them away in the end...I want to make it into something useful. If God permits.

The fruits of hard work in organic chem lab work are patience, faith, and cautiousness.

Why do I think this job would be like a life partner for me for now? It's because thru all these I can attain all the characters of which I still lack behind until now...

I've made the most unique prayer I've ever had in my life...I prayed for and put the fate of my column chromatography in His hands...and I will know the fate tommorow. after working for more than 12 hrs today and tonight...yet still couldn't finish a usually simple work...I went home with content feelings and glittery outlook after reading some pages of the book from Johni. Some Joshua Harris's story...neomu jemi ittda!

Currently feeling: tired

the columnal prayer was answered a 'No' by God...just like how He has answered many other researchers' prayers I guess...that's it lor...

this song was very popular when I was home back then in December...they feature it in advertisements, sinetrons, etc...kind of catchy la, better than some too usual ballads like Ari Lasso's Aku dan Dirimu...however the latter would make a great wedding song.

Mata Band - Ketahuan

Dari awal aku tak pernah percaya
kata-katamu karena aku hanya melihat
semua dari parasmu

Terlanjur kau bilang padaku
Kau tak akan pernah selingkuh
Tetapi Ternyata dirimu bermain dibelakangku

Saat ku melihatmu kau sedang bermesraan
Dengan seorang yang ku kenal

Oo..Oo.. Kamu ketahuan pacaran lagi
Dengan dirinya teman baikku
Oo..Oo.. Kamu ketahuan pacaran lagi
Dengan dirinya teman baikku

Tapi tak mengapa aku tak heran
Karena dirimu cinta sesaatku

meski gagal, matahari masih tetap bersinar on the next morning, keep on the fighting spirit!

many of my friends have been talking about research...some people just do the same thing over and over again without any successful attempts. Research often cruelly make its subjects feel very useless and weak and so stupid as compared to the Creator of this world. Research really teaches us God's souvereignty, and God's mercy on certain studies...certain applications of technology...God wants every single researcher to depend on Him...even if it's through teaching them the cold hard facts, without any single sugar-sprinkled fact in it...sometimes failure proves that His mercy is still there working on that specific person...

Malam itu lah malamku
ketika aku bertemu denganmu
dalam hati ku tersedu
tanganku tergenggam menahan haru
mataku tak lepas darimu
walaupun ku sendiri ragu

Reff:
Bunga menebar sejuk wewangian malam itu
ku tak mampu menahan rasa yang tak menentu
lalu muncullah rasa di dalam benakku
ku tak pantas memandangi wajahmu

Rindu itu belum hilang
walau pertemuan itu terkenang
dalam hatiku berdoa
jangan sampai aku pernah terlupa

Padamu penjaga hidupku
tak pernah meninggalkan aku

Currently feeling: mysterious

whether 2 persons are currently close, one person is cheating on the other, someone is tired of a relationship, etc...friendster and facebook can be very good indicators of all those...be careful where you post your details...be very careful... 

no more loud laughings

no more crazy expressions

no more ridiculous jokes

be more serious

cos I'm 22

but what is a Daisy without all that? what kind of me is that? I don't want to change yet I don't like this me either...dilemma isn't it...

Currently feeling: powerless

so what did I get from the lotere:

GEK1505 - Living with Mathematics 

The objective of this course is to exhibit some simple mathematical ideas that permeate a modern society and to show how a reasonably numerate person can use these ideas in everyday life and, in the process, gain an appreciation of the beauty and power of mathematical ideas. This course is intuitive in approach and should help the student to develop enough confidence in confronting many of the problems in daily life that require more than the usual amount of computing work. Topics covered are: reasoning, counting, modular arithmetic, codes, cryptography, chances, visualizing.

Timetable: Lecture Mon and Thu 1800-2000 (with webcast, I will follow the webcast and watch anytime I can instead of following this sucky timetable :s)

Tut: Thu 8.00-9.00 (so that it won't disturb my lab schedule cos I rarely start lab work at 8.00)

Thank God for still giving me opportunity to graduate this sem despite my carelessness...

Currently feeling: thankful

1. so many firstborns of the family are "evil"...in the present days I observe them as pushy, selfish, and must get their way no matter what. they're more likely to act like spoilt brats too compared to youngest kids in the family. including me, i'm the youngest in my fam hahah (6) this rule applies except for very few that I know. remember esau, remember cain, remember david's older brother.

2. most things in organic chem have a secret x factor in them that we must first solve before we can grasp the whole idea.

3. so many scientists become freethinkers...if they are so-called intelligent scientists, why do they believe in evolution? moreover big bang...I love the kpop group "big bang" though.

4. the more madly in love a guy and a girl are in the first place, the more likely they are to stumble in their relationship later on...so maybe..conclusion: never fall so deeply, then maybe you can go for "happily ever after"...I mean "happy" as in looking from the perspective of "creation".

oh no...did I just identify with the way of speech of that mathematics lecturer...

should you cease to love God, then should you also cease to serve Him? We love God because God first loved us. If God still loves us till today, therefore we also love Him...conclusion: we will still serve Him no matter what.